The Power to Choose
by ilovetvalot
Summary: He had a choice...fall down the rabbit hole or allow her to remind her of the man he was.


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**The Power To Choose**

Staring morosely into his glass, Aaron Hotchner idly wondering when the Jack Daniels in his glass would begin to dull the ache in his chest. It certainly hadn't had any affect yet. And he would prefer that the sedative set in quickly. Very quickly.

Taking another sip, he tried not to think of the wide-eyed son he knew was waiting for him, even now. He wasn't fit company for a grown man these days, let alone a five year old child. Jack was better off with Jessica tonight.

Maybe Jack was better off with Jessica every night, his barely-functioning mind snapped back.

Jerking his head up as he heard someone walk though his half-open office door, his eyes narrowed on the blonde woman frowning at him.

"Hotch! What are you still doing here?" JJ asked tightly, as if she didn't already know. This, she thought, looking at the older man with disapproval bright in her eyes, had become his modus operandi. Finish a case and then stay at the office until all hours of the night. Never mind that wonderful kid he had waiting at him. Never mind anything in his life.

"I could ask you the same thing," Hotch replied defensively, his fingers tightening around the heavy glass.

"I," JJ stated tightly, holding up the file that required one last signature, "was dropping his off," she said, dropping the folder to his desk. "Then I was going to leave. You?"

"Drop the condescension in your tone, JJ," Hotch rebuked harshly, barely looking at her as he ignored the twinge in his sould. "In my place, you'd be acting the same way."

"The hell I would," JJ said with as much dignity as she could muster, crossing her arms over her chest. "Not if I knew that my son needed me."

"My son is being taken care of, Agent Jareau," Hotch bit out angrily, the glass dropping heavily from his fingers to bang against the blotter.

" Sure he is," JJ snorted, rolling her eyes as she watched his fingers slip, "Just not be the person that should be taking care of him."

"What the hell do you mean by that, JJ?" Hotch questioned caustically, jerking his head up once again.

"You wanna know what I mean?" JJ asked, dropping a hand to her hip as she faced a man, that up until recent months, she'd admired. "I mean that as long as innocence still shines in your son's eyes, you have an obligation as a parent to do everything you can do to preserve that purity for as long as you possibly able to do it, Hotch," JJ insisted vehemently, dropping her hands to his polished desk and leaning forward to meet his dark hopeless gaze.

"What if I can't do that, JJ? You have to believe in innocence to protect it, don't you?" Hotch asked bitterly, reaching for his glass of whiskey once again, his lifeline close at hand.

Quickly snatching the half filled tumbler away, JJ shook her head. "How the hell can you sit there and say that you don't believe? How can you look at the perfect child you created with Haley and even doubt it for a second?"

"How the hell can I not?" Aaron barked, slamming his fist down with enough force to send papers flying, his wooden desk shaking from the assault.

Inhaling deeply as she struggled with the urge to wrap her hands around her boss's throat and shake some sense into him, JJ shook her head. "You don't get a choice here, Hotch," she declared softly, her blue eyes boring into his. "Failure isn't an option. Haley is depending on you to teach Jack that good still triumphs over evil. She needs you to show him that grace and dignity still prevail over ignorance and degradation. That evil and depravity can be defeated with perseverance and determination. She was counting on you with her last breath to show him that love has a wondrous, all encompassing power. That love can heal even the most battered of hearts."

"Pretty words," Hotch muttered acidly, his jaw clenching as he narrowed his eyes at his teammate. "Such pretty, pretty words."

"Damn you, Aaron Hotchner! Haley sacrificed everything to make sure her son could know the beauty in life. She didn't want hate and bitterness to be a part of her little boy's vocabulary, and yet here you sit, growing more jaded with every passing day while your son suffers not only the loss of a devoted mother, but his father as well!"

"What the hell do you mean by that?" Hotch snapped, his eyes flashing as he stared JJ down, his fists clenched at his side.

Looking down into his angry eyes, JJ swallowed. In for a penny, in for a pound, her grandmother would have said. And she'd come this far, she might as well finish her diatribe. "Because you couldn't be any deader inside if you'd climbed in the coffin with Haley," JJ bit out, each word clearly enunciated.

"You have no right!" Hotch accused, coming to his feet in one smooth motion, his shoulders stiffened. "How dare you come in here and make judgment calls about my life!"

"Somebody had to," JJ stated evenly, defiantly raising her chin as her gaze clashed with his. "And, lucky me, I guess I broke first. We had a bet going between ourselves that it would be Dave. But, evidently he's learning the positive power of patience in his old age. Me, not so much. But braving your wrath is worth it if it gets through to you. You've got to stop concentrating on what you've lost and start paying attention to what...or WHO...you have left. Your son needs you now, and a five year old really can't understand why Daddy can't get his head on straight. He doesn't care, Hotch. The only thing he cares about is having his daddy's love and support."

"Do you have any sense of self-preservation, whatsoever, JJ?" Hotch asked tightly, his fists balling at his sides again. God, the woman had nerve! Nerves of steel, evidently. And it pissed him off no end. But above the anger, he had to admit, grudgingly, she had a point. He didn't like it...hated it, in fact. But, nevertheless, there it was.

"Evidently not," JJ snorted, rolling her eyes as she crossed her arms defiantly over her chest.

"Obviously," Hotch replied quietly, his body slowly relaxing as they stood in silence, measuring each other with practiced eyes. "Okay," he said finally, his breath huffing out, "A part of me knows that you're right, JJ. But, you have to understand, I never imagined raising my son on my own."

"And I'd imagine that Haley never foresaw you having to, Hotch," JJ said carefully, realizing that she had braved the beast for a reason. "But the facts are the facts. Haley's gone. Jack has lost a parent. You're all he has left..."

"JJ, I know that," Hotch said softly, easing back into his seat, his sigh loud in the room. "I get up every day knowing it. I go to bed every night aware of it. I just don't know what to do with that fact yet."

"You do the best you can," JJ said softly, never taking her eyes off of the man. "You are one of the best fathers I've ever seen, Hotch. But in order to help Jack move on, you've got to let Haley go. You've got to stop holding yourself apart from him out of some misguided sense of guilt."

"It isn't misguided, JJ," Hotch denied, his solemn eyes meeting hers.

"Fine, I don't agree, but if that's how you feel, then you need to forgive yourself and move on," JJ argued tersely. "It's the only way you and Jack are ever going to be able to heal."

"You make it sound so simple," Hotch replied, wearily dropping his head against the leather chair.

"That's because it's not as complicated as you think it is," JJ countered, her stiff posture loosening up marginally. Taking a step back from his desk as his dark head bowed, JJ said softly, "Just think about what I said, Hotch."

"I will, JJ," he murmured, not trusting his voice to give her more than the most basic of answers.

"I need to get home to Henry," JJ said quietly, taking a step toward the doorway, "but, I can stay if you want to talk."

"Not tonight," Hotch shook his head. "But I might take you up on it later." Glancing around his messy desk ruefully, he sighed. "I need to clean this mess up and get home to Jack myself."

"Leave the mess, Hotch," JJ replied in a hushed voice, shaking her head. "Go home to your little boy," she said, turning to look at him again as she reached the doorway. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, JJ," Hotch replied, watching her slowly close the door behind her.

A moment later, he slowly got back to his feet, looking around his desk at the whiskey bottle and glass tumbler in disgust. JJ was right. Completely right. Nothing he'd done yet in an effort to avoid Haley's memory had been successful.

Burying himself in his work. Drinking.

And it wasn't fair to the little boy they had created together. Silently thank JJ for her courage, he grabbed his jacket.

She was right. Everything else could wait.

He had a son to go home to.

Finis


End file.
